To fully understand how to protect crucial information in the modern world, one needs to fully understand how the modern spy steals it. Since the glorious days of cryptanalysis during World War II, the art of stealing and protecting information has drastically changed. Using over 25 years of NSA field-stories, this talk will highlight the lesser-known world of stealing data: eavesdropping, theft, purchase, burglary, blackmail, bribery, and the like. Furthermore, my talk will highlight ways one can avoid the common pitfalls of carelessness and overconfidence that give the modern spy a full access pass.