This talk will discuss the very dry subject of asset management and configuration standards as they apply to defensive information security. We will address the need for asset and configuration management, and critically compare the standards presented by NIST Microsoft, Apple, the NSA and other groups. Practical suggestions for both defensive asset configuration strategies, and loss prevention through software (and why it doesn't work very well) will be discussed, as well as the value of large, invasive asset tracking services. There will be little or no discussion of attribution, "cyber" or "cybering", and no spreadsheets will be harmed during this presentation.