You're pwnt. It's a Friday afternoon and you just got some sketchy email, some reporter just called your PR person, or the Feds somehow sent you a fax (even though you don't own a fax machine) and some dudes whose first names start with Special Agent darken your door. They don't tell you much, so now you're wondering - WTF should I do. Before you call high-priced consultants - like me - help me help you. Let's be honest, if you screw things up right at the beginning, I'm going to be there a lot longer than you want me - I'll be unhappy and you'll be unhappy with the results. During this talk, I'll tell you what to do, and what not do; where to look, and where not to look; what to say, and what not to say when badness happens to you. Also, I'll walk through a quick scenario and together we'll get stumble our way through a series of free (as in beer) tools to help you collect only and store the valuable, volatile data so you can safely shut down your system, unplug the interwebz, and go out for that well-deserved drink.