Keeping watch over one of the fastest, largest, busiest and most diverse networks in the UK is a difficult task. Millions of end-users with their own ideas of what the network is for, and all with hundreds of gigabits of bandwidth at their disposal. Balancing security and openness is a Sisyphean task. In this talk I\'ll look at some of the tools we\'ve developed to monitor the network and take a look at some of the more "interesting" incidents that have happened on our watch. I shall attempt to cover everything from netflow and perl, to misunderstandings and the deepest paranoia.