Over the last few years quantum cryptanalysis and the quantocalypse has been receiving a lot of attention. This talk looks at the quantocalypse and the implications for quantum cryptanalysis using purely evidence-based empirical sources without resorting to fallacies like appeal to authority and sky-is-falling speculation. The result is summarised by the title of the talk, “Why Quantum Cryptanalysis is Bollocks”, acting as a response to ongoing media hysteria about a problem which all the empirical evidence shows doesn’t exist.